1- Sugar coating negative feedback. - When you’re afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings or triggering a negative response, it’s (unfortunately) natural to sugar coat negative feedback. The result? They can’t decipher what you’re trying to say or the seriousness of the matter.
2- Caving in or backing down because the person is getting upset. - While taking a time-out might be the best response when a person truly becomes unglued, revising your assessment downward or deciding “it’s not worth it” are never appropriate responses.
3- Avoiding the conversation until you’ve “had it up to here.” – When we wait until that point, and are now in a frustrated, take-no-prisoners state, not much good is going to come out of the conversation. If we’re going for the throat, how could they not feel attacked and get defensive?
4- Using an overly formal or forceful opening. Managers often do this as a way to let the person know they mean business and/or reduce the odds that the other person will “fight back”. While a serious, all-business demeanor is appropriate for very serious matters and egregious mistakes, it’s not necessary in many situations. Most people appreciate a more low key approach that communicates “We’re two adults here” instead of “You are about to be scolded by the principal” tone which tends to trigger defensiveness.
5- “Controlling the airwaves” – Some managers use this as a preemptive move to prevent the feedback receiver from being able to disagree or make excuses. By doing this, the manager ends up creating a monologue instead of a dialogue. Few things trigger resentment and resistance than being “talked at.”
6- Stating what you’re unhappy about without offering a clear picture of what you want. This leads to the receiver feeling unsure about what they need to do to succeed, which leaves them feeling impotent.
7- Plowing forward with an action plan without first getting agreement about the problem. Unless the person understands what you want, what the issue is, and why it’s important to change, they’ not interested in your action plan.
8- Giving positive feedback without specifics. - (e.g. “You’re awesome”, “You do such a great job!”). This is especially counterproductive for people with personality styles that value data, precision, and detail. These people also tend to dislike flamboyant or emotional language. When they hear undefined and unspecified praise, they question the praise giver’s sincerity and knowledge about what they’re praising.
9- Mistaking valid reasons for excuses. Some bosses are so paranoid about being taken advantage of that they’re unable to recognize valid reasons and extenuating circumstances. To them, everything other than a “You’re right boss” agreement represents the employee trying to make excuses. When employees feel like their legitimate points are seen as excuses, they soon shut out the accuser and become resentful.
10- Waiting for the once a year performance review to give feedback. - This is always a great way to spark confused “What are you talking about?” resentment-packed conversations. The key word in performance reviews is “review”. They’re not supposed to be a place to air late breaking news.
11- Using vague judgments without specific examples – Without concrete, sensory-based language, concepts like “more of a team player”, “more service oriented”, “more helpful”, “more professional”, and “show more initiative” mean nothing. Labels without examples leave people feeling helpless about making changes because they don’t know what specifically you’re unhappy about or what you want.
12- Delivering a long warm-up preamble before giving the negative feedback. This just builds suspense for what they know is coming: the negative feedback. (“I really appreciate what a team player you are and I really love your attention to detail and I think you’re doing a great job with …. BUT…”).
13- Using blunt, provocative, or shaming language to make a point. - “I would think that would be a no-brainer…” “That train has left the station, so let’s move on, huh?”, “I’m assuming we’re all grown-ups here.”, etc.
14- Pretending to agree and then disagreeing. - “I can see why you feel that way, but….” This pattern is especially good at triggering defensiveness and shutting down when it’s delivered with a vocal intonation that rises to a crescendo just before the “but” part comes. There’s a difference between honestly acknowledging the other person’s viewpoint and just pretending to agree as a way to soften them up for your opposing point of view. You can acknowledge you understand their perspective without agreeing with it.
15- Winging it. Making an assessment or judgment without thinking through possible angles and getting all the facts. Few things spark resentment or diminished respect for the criticizer than feeling inaccurately—and therefore unfairly—criticized.
16- Telling them what’s going on inside their head. Few things trigger defensiveness more effectively than playing psychiatrist and telling someone we know what’s going on inside of their head—“I know there’s tension between you and Sarah because she got the Team Lead position you applied for, but…”. If you have a good relationship with the other person, it’s fine to ask them if your guess about what’s going on is accurate; just don’t imply you know what’s going on inside their head (because you don’t… unless you have special powers).
17- Using a “one size fits all” approach to praise. – Our natural tendency is to praise people the way we like to be praised, but that only works for people who are like us. What works for some personality types doesn’t work for others. This is one of the many areas of managing where learning personality styles can be extremely useful.
18- Only taking the time to give corrective feedback and not positive feedback. - Gallup’s research revealed that 65% of employees reported not receiving any recognition in the previous year. Since positive feedback is a huge motivator, not doing this is a huge mistake for that reason alone. However, if the only time you give feedback is to say something negative, soon employees will have an automatic defensive, closed down response the moment you try to give them feedback… hardly the conditions for a constructive conversation.
19- Using sarcastic humor to make a point. -Some humor—used VERY judiciously—can lighten the tone and help diminish the sense of power differential that causes so much awkwardness when a boss gives a subordinate corrective feedback. That’s very different from using sarcasm or “just joking” comments to make a point (“Oh, you’re on the 8:23AM to 4 PM shift now?”)
By David Lee
